


Laugh at the Stars

by BabyyCakess



Category: CW Network RPF
Genre: Ambiguous/Open Ending, Explicit Language, Heavy Angst, M/M, Sad and Sweet, Sexual Content
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-11-21
Updated: 2013-11-21
Packaged: 2018-01-02 05:52:55
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,912
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1053266
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/BabyyCakess/pseuds/BabyyCakess
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>They're so happy, so in love. It's an all consuming kind of love and Jensen never thought he wanted that, but he was wrong, so wrong. </p><p>He never wants this to end.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Laugh at the Stars

**Author's Note:**

> I actually did research about the disease and symptoms and treatments and all that jazz but I'm not a doctor so I'm sorry if anything is wildly inaccurate, I tried. 
> 
> This is angsty as hell and it was so sad to write but at least my writer's block is gone; woohoo let's celebrate! :)
> 
> Also, the title "Laugh at the Stars" is from a line in the song Terrible Things by Mayday Parade, best band ever ok
> 
> and that song inspired this fic.

Tears are coursing down Jensen's cheeks and he's too far gone in the throes of his grief to stop them, doesn't care enough to wipe them away. 

Jared's lying down, eyes closed, looks so damn peaceful. 

Except for how he always has a look of pain etched on his face, his pale skin almost blends in with the white sheets on the hospital bed and it makes Jensen sob harder.

He doesn't let go of Jared's hand, even when the nurses come in, trying to get him to "go home, get some sleep, some good food, go home for a while, dear."

Jared will still be here in the morning, they say.

But that stopped being a guarantee a long time ago.

*

"I love you so much, Jay," Jensen murmurs against Jared's lips. 

He can feel Jared's smile, tastes the "I love you too" that Jared mumbles into his mouth.

They're so happy, so in love. It's an all consuming kind of love and Jensen never thought he wanted that, but he was wrong, so wrong. 

He never wants this to end.

*

When they first found out about the cancer, Jared had been hopeful. There was poison running through his veins, his blood tainted by disease, yet he still held onto hope that "I just need to start the chemo, Jen, and everything will be okay, I'll get better, I will I will I will" 

The alternative, the reality of the situation was unthinkable, so they tried to just not think about it.

*

But cancer can spread; things get worse instead of better and reality sets in real quick.

*

Jensen was happy with his lot in life, he always told himself.

He worked hard to get where he was, successful, content with his expensive car and apartment. 

He had went to an Ivy League school, he focused on his future, on his career, and when all of that fell into place, so easily

he realized that 

his life was kind of empty.

Sometimes, late at night, in his nice, big (empty, empty, empty) apartment he could admit to himself

he was (maybe, kind of) very lonely.

*

When he walks into Starbucks on his way to work, he's having a good day. His friend Danneel had set him up. Alex was a successful lawyer, handsome, and knew how to hold a decent conversation. Last night had been their third date, and things were going well. It was a bit boring, not the kind of passionate love like you see in movies, but it was comfortable enough. It was just what Jensen wanted. Really.

But when he walked into Starbucks, everything changed. 

He walked into Starbucks and he forgot all about Alex.

*

"Hi, good morning, welcome to Starbucks! What can I get ya?" The words tumbled out of pink lips, so exuberant. Shaggy hair fell into friendly eyes and deep dimples were dug into his cheeks as he gave Jensen a blinding smile.

Jensen forgot how to breathe, how to speak. 

"Uh, um."

Jensen read his nametag. Jared. Jared. Jared.

Jared smiled at him, shy as can be. "Sorry, it's my first day. I'm a morning person, and I was warned that most people who come in here aren't. I should totally tone it down a bit, right?" Jared babbled, blushing. So fucking adorable, Jensen thought. 

Jensen found his ability to speak again. "No, no. It's fine. I just--I'm used to Genevieve. And she's not really...that awake and excited. Ever." Jensen said with a smile, trying not to stumble over his words.

Jared laughed, and Jensen wanted to record the sound, listen to it over and over. Jared's laugh was beautiful.

"Yeah, she's something else." Jared cleared his throat, another blush taking over his cheeks as the impatient woman in line behind Jensen tapped her foot, louder and louder, beating in time with Jensen's racing heart. 

Jared smiled a sort of secret smile at Jensen. "So, what can I get you?"

Jensen ordered a blueberry muffin and a black coffee. He would not ask for a date. With his luck, Jared was probably very straight. Or very taken. 

He was something special though.

*

Jared and Jensen strike up an easy friendship. Everything's so simple and effortless with Jared and Jensen wonders why, how. He's more hopeful than he's ever been, feels happy around Jared.

When he finds out Jared is very gay and very single

Jensen gives Alex the "we should just be friends" speech.

*

Jared and Jensen text each other all the time, Jared always inviting Jensen to hang out, go to the movies with him, go for a walk, lots of random things. He jokes that he has to get Jensen out of his apartment, away from his work sometimes. "Live a little, Jen," Jared says with a dimpled smile.

And he starts to do things he'd never usually do. He goes to the zoo with Jared, and they go bowling, go out for drinks to see this "really awesome band" and Jensen used to be so reserved, stuck to a schedule that never changed. He's still Jensen Ackles, still a lawyer at one of the most prestigious law firms in New York, but he's also Jared's best friend and he's really happy and he feels things he's never taken the time to feel before. He feels alive.

His whole life seems different, brighter almost, like someone turned on a light when he was living in darkness for years. 

Jared is the light though, and Jensen doesn't mind at all.

*

Jensen finds out that he loves learning about Jared, his life, his dreams, anything. He eats up all the information that he can get, always hungry for more. He learns Jared is from Texas and moved to New York with some friends on a whim. He works at Starbucks "for shits and giggles, helps pay the rent and tuition, ya know". Jared wants to be a teacher more than anything, wants to read picture books to little kids full of wide-eyed wonder. He wants to teach them the alphabet and how to count and make arts and crafts, wants to teach them about the world and watch them grow.  
When he's not working at Starbucks, he works at a daycare center, helps take care of the kids and he plays Barbies with the little girls, absolutely unashamed, and he puts a Band-aid on a fake baby doll because 5 year old Jess couldn't stop crying when she dropped her precious, plastic baby.

Jensen doesn't know when he falls in love, but he does.

*

Jared:  
Want to grab Starbucks with me?

Jensen:  
Is the sky blue?

Jared:  
Well, it's kind of grey today so :P

Jensen:  
Don't be a smart-ass. I'll meet ya in a few.

Jared:  
See ya soon :)

Jensen can't stop smiling as he walks to Starbucks.

*

Jared's standing outside of Starbucks in a hoodie and jeans, juggling two coffees and a little bag of muffins. Jensen's favorite muffins.

He blushes up to his ears when Jensen gives him a questioning look and Jared starts babbling, 

saying the sweetest things like

"I thought maybe--this could--we could--" he takes a breath, blows it out, "I thought maybe we could go to the park and have coffee and muffins and talk and...it would be a date?" 

Jensen beams, pulls Jared in for a slow, sweet kiss. 

It was worth the wait. 

*

Two, then three years go by and they're still together and just so goddamn happy but Jensen starts to worry 

when Jared's skin gets sickly white, when he starts to bruise so easily, when he starts throwing up and feels like he has the flu, but this flu just won't go away and Jensen sees Jared getting more and more sick by the day and

he goes with Jared to the doctor and they run tests and the results make Jensen sob, so fucking scared

and the doctors say things like "acute leukemia" and "chemotherapy may help" and throw out all these numbers, these statistics but Jared is his best friend, his boyfriend, and the source of his happiness, he's not a number, he's not a fucking statistic, he's Jared and he's sick. 

He's sick, and his chances "don't look good", and Jensen never thought Jared would die, not soon, not now, because he's so young and so fucking full of life, so how can he die?

Jensen can't imagine a world without Jared.

*

"I love you," Jared moans into his mouth, so needy and desperate and loving and alive

Jensen breathes out a curse word, thrusting deeper as Jared claws at his back and when Jared cums he squeezes so damn tight around Jensen and

Jensen wonders how much time they have left, buries his face in Jared's neck as his orgasm washes over him and he's crying because how can he live without this? 

He wonders what the fuck he's supposed to do without Jared around to keep him on his toes and keep him warm at night when it gets cold and he wonders how much time he's got left with the love of his life.

Forever wouldn't be long enough.

*

The day of the funeral isn't dark and gloomy and morbid. Not at all. 

It's worse. 

It's a day filled with sunshine and it's spring, so the flowers are so colorful and bright and beautiful and alive

It's so much worse because if it was a normal day, Jared would drag Jensen to the park and they would kiss and Jared's hair would be shining in the sunlight and he would pick a flower and tuck it behind Jensen's ear and laugh when Jensen called him a goof and 

Jared's gone but he's just sleeping, looks so peaceful in the open casket and there's sunshine but Jared can't feel it on his skin anymore;

it's worse.

*

Jensen throws himself into his work. 

He wins most of his cases, but they feel like hollow victories.

*

He tries to keep Jared alive, remembers the happiest moments and cherishes the memories. 

He keeps Jared's things, and keeps pictures of them, together, alive and happy, hanging on the walls of their home. 

Home. 

Nothing feels like home now that Jared's gone.

*

Jensen goes to see Jared every Saturday. It was their day to "frolic", Jared had always said.

"I need to frolic, Jen," Jared whined. "Come on, let's go to the park. I'll even push you on the swings!" Jared laughed like he just made the best joke and Jensen pushes the memory back, wipes his eyes.

Jensen goes to see Jared every Saturday, and he always brings a blueberry muffin and a coffee from Starbucks; sometimes he talks for hours, other times he's content to sit in silence, but he feels close to Jared. He feels like maybe Jared knows he's there, and he's never been very religious at all, but he hopes to God or some higher power that Jared isn't sick anymore, no longer in pain. He hopes that Jared is happy and that he has a never-ending stash of candy wherever he is. He hopes he can frolic in the sunshine and read picture books to children and he hopes that Jared is happy. 

*

Before he leaves, to go back to his empty home, his empty life,

Jensen always kisses his fingertips and traces the name on the headstone

Jared Ackles

and he hopes that someday he'll get to kiss Jared again. 

*

Someday.

**Author's Note:**

> Reviews are love <3


End file.
